When “Controlling” may not be Coercive: a trauma informed Reframe to Post-Separation Behaviour

Recently, I posed a simple but loaded question on social media:

"Controlling behaviours in separation or divorce = coercive control and abuse. Thoughts?"

It was no surprise that nearly every response leaned toward the affirmative. What did surprise me, however, was that the vast majority of replies came from men, many of whom shared personal experiences of what they perceived as coercively controlling behaviours by women during and after separation.

This isn’t to say that men are the only ones affected — or that coercive control isn’t a serious and prevalent issue for women. It absolutely is — and when it comes to systematic abuse within the family law system, reforms over the past 12 months have sought to provide real avenues to address this.

But this pattern of responses sparked some deeper reflection. One explanation may lie in how abuse, toxic coping, and trauma-based behaviours may manifest differently across genders. Some research and lived experience suggests that:

• Women may be more likely to externalise distress through words, relationship protest, and controlling behaviours.

• Men on the other hand are often socialised to suppress emotional vulnerability, and may express pain through withdrawal, shutdown, or physical action-based behaviours.

While genuine abuse and coercive control must be named and carefully addressed, we also need space for a more trauma-informed and neurodiversity-aware lens.

A Note on Coercive Control

Coercive control has recently been legislated as a criminal offence in several Australian states. It refers to a pattern of abusive behaviours — with or without physical violence — intended to isolate, hurt, humiliate, frighten, or dominate another person.

At its core, it’s about creating fear, dependence, and confusion to maintain power and control. In these contexts, gaslighting is often used deliberately, repeatedly, and systematically.

If you feel unsafe or believe you may be experiencing abuse or coercive control, please seek immediate support from professionals (1800Respect/Police or you can find a list of services here)

When “Controlling” Might Not Be About Control

That said, not all behaviours that appear “controlling” are inherently abusive. Especially in the emotionally heightened space of separation - where neurodivergence, complex trauma, or nervous system dysregulation are present - some behaviours may reflect internal chaos rather than external intentional coercion, harm and/or abuse.

Here are five examples where controlling behaviour post-separation may not be coercive control — and why curiosity and compassion matter.

1. Constant Checking-In or Questioning Decisions

The behaviour: Your ex frequently messages you, challenges parenting decisions, or questions changes in routine.

What it may look like: Mistrust, control, or a refusal to respect boundaries.

What could be underneath:

• ADHD or ASD: Need for routine and predictability to feel regulated

• Anxious attachment: Fear of abandonment, exclusion, or being “left out”

• Complex PTSD: Hypervigilance or obsessive focus to avoid perceived threat

When It May Be Appropriate: What may feel like invasive or controlling behaviour, especially in the emotional fallout of separation, can sometimes be valid and appropriate. Regular check-ins around children may be essential to co-parenting,. Likewise, querying decisions about children or money can be reasonable, depending on context and intent.

Reframe: This may be someone trying to feel safe, not make you unsafe — or it may be appropriate behaviour that feels threatening due to your own nervous system state or assumptions.

2. Insistence on Maintaining Joint Financial Control

The behaviour: Your ex resists separating finances or wants oversight of shared expenses.

What it may look like: Financial control or a lack of willingness to let go.

What could be underneath:

• Executive dysfunction: Difficulty managing money independently

• Financial trauma: Anxiety over collapse, fear of instability

• Avoidant coping: Holding on practically while detaching emotionally

• Dysregulation: Fight or Freeze mode due to overwhelm, emotional and/or mental health challenges

When It May Be Appropriate: Post-separation financial entanglement is common, at for a period of time. In some cases, it may be appropriate for one party to continue managing joint resources, especially when it’s transparent and both parties have access to what they reasonably need.

Reframe: This might be more about fear, trauma, or temporary overwhelm than an effort to control or harm.

3. Micromanaging Parenting or Routines

The behaviour: Your co-parent is overly involved, critical, or directive about your parenting.

What it may look like: Undermining or interfering with your parental autonomy.

What could be underneath:

• Cognitive rigidity (ASD): High need for sameness and predictability

• Disorganised attachment: Over-functioning to avoid chaos

• Trauma response: Misinterpreting neutral acts as unsafe or threatening

When It May Be Appropriate: What appears to be micromanagement may be a valid attempt to preserve important routines — particularly for infants, neurodiverse children, or those with higher needs. Predictability matters.

Reframe: This may be a case of appropriate parenting or hyper-responsibility, not manipulation.

4. Interference with New Partners

The behaviour: Your ex resists your child meeting a new partner or reacts strongly to your dating life.

What it may look like: Jealousy, possessiveness, or refusal to move on.

What could be underneath:

• Attachment injury: Fear of replacement or being “left behind”

• Trauma history: Association of new relationships with harm or instability

• Black-and-white thinking: Difficulty adapting to complexity in blended families

When It May Be Appropriate: Many re-partnering challenges stem from valid, unaddressed concerns for children’s wellbeing. A transparent, child-centred approach can often help clarify whether objections are protective or reactive.

Reframe: This may be grief, fear, or a valid boundary — not a power grab.

5. Delays in Finalising Settlement

The behaviour: Dragging out paperwork, not engaging with legal or mediation processes.

What it may look like: Stonewalling, obstruction, or stalling.

What could be underneath:

• Executive dysfunction (ADHD/ASD): Overwhelm with tasks and admin

• Freeze response (trauma): Paralysis, dissociation, avoidance

• Emotional Incongruence: Delaying the “finality” of separation - often parties are at a different stage of their healing journey, this means that sometimes one party needs more time to move through the process as their emotional and cognitive capacities are impaired.

When It May Be Appropriate: In many cases, delays arise from a genuine need for more information, time, or support. Individual differences in decision-making and disclosure expectations are normal and sometimes people need more information and time than others to reach wise, lasting agreements.

Reframe: This may be overwhelm or a regulated pause — not a calculated attempt to exert power or punish.

Why These Distinctions Matter

None of this is about excusing harm. Harmful behaviour should always be addressed. But when we better understand the root of someone’s behaviour — especially through a trauma-informed and neurodiversity-aware lens — we create space for wiser, more compassionate decisions.

When we see clearly what’s beneath the surface, we’re more likely to:

✔ Stay regulated and calm — even in tense moments
✔ Set boundaries from a place of clarity, not fear or reactivity
✔ Respond instead of react
✔ Avoid unnecessary conflict and mislabelling
✔ Protect our peace while honouring others' humanity
✔ Create more functional, stable outcomes for our children

Compassion ≠ Self-Betrayal

You can honour your intuition and investigate the why.

You can hold strong boundaries and offer gentle curiosity.

You can name and address harmful patterns without assuming intent to abuse.

But you don’t have to do this alone…

Need Support?

If this piece has resonated with you, and you're ready to step into a future that’s calm, clear, and truly aligned with your values, I invite you to join my next round of Financial Separation Made Easy, starting 9 July 2025 (or grab the instant access version any time).

This practical 12-week coaching program gives you a guided pathway to:

✔ Understand your financial landscape
✔ Consciously navigate negotiations (even with a high-conflict or neurodivergent ex)
✔ Create agreements that are fair, functional, and future-focused
✔ Avoid unnecessary professional fees and emotional stress AND MORE!

You’ll also receive FREE access to my Avoiding Post Separation Conflict program, so you’re equipped to handle tricky dynamics with more confidence and grace.

Whether you're working solo or with your ex spouse/partner, this program \will meet you exactly where you’re at — and guide you forward with clarity and care.

Click here to register now
Or book your free Next Steps Call if you’re unsure which path is right for you.

Because separation doesn’t have to mean destruction. It can be the beginning of something new — and better — for everyone involved.