nAY sAYERS AND NEW WAYS - WHY IT’S TIME TO EVOLVE HOW WE DO separation
Sometimes in life, you’ll come across nay sayers.
You know the ones? People who raise doubts, question your path, or urge caution when you’re about to do something differently. You may feel confident and clear that a certain path is right for you — and then suddenly, you find yourself questioning, doubting, or even changing your mind entirely. This tends to happen most when people step outside the “norm” of how big life events have traditionally been navigated, even if that norm hasn’t worked for a long time or new research indicates there is a better way.
When you move through separation or divorce, it is common to receive view, opinions, and advice from many - just like when having a baby. And just like when having a baby, if you dare to do different to how things have been done in times gone by, you will encounter nay sayers.
And to be fair, nay saying isn’t always coming from a bad place. Often, it comes from well meaning family, friends or even professionals who are trying to protect you and have your interest at heart. But in the context of separation and divorce, their advice may be coming from an old playbook, one that is outdated, fear-based, adversarial, and assumes that your ex is your enemy. You may even find others criticising, demeaning or villianising your former spouse for suggesting or endeavouring to persuade you to a different way of navigating or structuring your pathway through separation - again as a means of protecting you.
But the risk of that kind of protection - especially when it’s based on limited information, old-school thinking or a reaction to your one-sided venting of separation challenges - is that it can actually hold you back from creating the future you want. It can cause you to wobble, lose sight of your authentic intentions, and even cloud your judgment — leading to unnecessary conflict.
What this means is that it is important to filter well intended advice, even when it comes from professionals, through a regulated nervous system and holistic lense. Let’s dive deeper in to how and why it is important this is important.
The Danger of One-Sided Stories
Most people who offer advice during a separation are only seeing part of the picture and often a very distorted one. They’re hearing the version of events through the venting, the pain and the confusion of one party to the separation and often that is the party they love and care for deeply or otherwise are paid to advocate for their sole interest (not the mutual interest of both parties or interests of the separating family as a whole). And the vast majority are not trauma informed. This means they are often completely unaware just how normal it is for reactive (and at times uncharacteristic), behaviours to be exhibited through separation or how distorted our experiences of our ex-spouse can become during separation. This is a huge missing piece for many and something I explore deeply in my Avoiding Post Separation Conflict program.
These individuals are also often not privy to the inner work, the reflection, or the private commitment between you and your ex-spouse to doing separation in a new and better way.
So these well meaning individuals are doing what they know, reacting from love, and often from fear, based on what they have seen, lived through, or heard before.
But the reality is, much of their advice is shaped by an outdated cultural script, one that says separation has to be a battle, your ex is the enemy, and taking what “you deserve and are entitled to” through traditional legal approaches are the only way forward. But we are in a new era now…
The Old Paradigm Is Shifting
It was not that long ago that litigation through the Court system was the “norm”. Mediation is now common, but even this was seen as progressive and faced resistance as recent as the 1990s. Flash forward 30 odd years and the old paradigm is shifting again as new research continues to highlight the challenges and failings of the existing frameworks. What we are witnessing now is a new era of individuals who are seeking a pathway through separation that seeks to address these shortcomings and that is more aligned with modern values. Values like kindness, compassion, respect, co-creation, and care that support separating families to maintain an ongoing sense of family, structure and stability despite separation.
This pathway that is most aligned with these modern ways is known as Collaborative Family Law. This is not just a “trend” but rather an evolution of a relatively young Family Law System bearing in mind divorce in Australia has only been legalised for 50 years. The pathway reflects the way families, relationships, and society are evolving and growing in their approach to separation and is a pathway that is:
Conscious – acknowledging the emotional, psychological and relational layers of separation
Compassionate – holding space for each person’s dignity, emotions grief and growth
Respectful, Kind and Graceful – offering communication, curiosity, and forward-thinking solutions
Family-Focused – centred on the wellbeing of all, especially the kids
And no, it’s not always easier pathway. In fact for some it may appear easier to take the traditional routes where emotions, deeper fears and concerns are ignored. But let’s be honest — the traditional pathways are also not easy and simply mean these deeper issues go unresolved and continue to cause challenge especially in co-parenting dynamics. Whereas, the collaborative pathway gives you the tools, the support, and the structure to not just survive, but truly thrive in your next chapter.
From Broken to Bi-Nuclear
One of the most powerful shifts this new approach supports is the reframe from broken family to bi-nuclear family and is step beyond co-operative co-parenting.
The bi-nuclear family framework recognises that with mutual intention, desire and commitment the separating family does not need treated as a broken or damaged - just reorganised. It is a family that now lives in two homes, with two safe, stable, and loving centres of care. It acknowledges that while the romantic relationship may have ended, the family continues, just in a different shape and form.
Children in bi-nuclear families do best when both parents are supported to show up well. When they feel safe. When conflict is low and cooperation is strong. And that doesn’t happen by accident. It happens through conscious choices, collaboration, clear communication, and mutual respect.
Let’s be clear, taking a Collaborative Family Law Pathway does not require that a family must desire the creation of a Bi-nuclear family framework. It is actually quite a bespoke process that supports separating couples to co-create the pathway through separation and new structures and frameworks that serve their values, their interest and their wellbeing - and this will be different for each unique family. But a Collaborative Family Law Pathway is the most supportive framework of creating a Bi-nuclear family post separation if this is what a separating family desire.
It also has to be said that a Bi-nuclear family dynamic itself is a new way that may also be met with resistance. Many of us have been conditioned to the notion that your ex is your enemy and that once you separate, you ought to minimise their involvement in your life as much as possible so you can “move on”. This means that you may need to navigate nay saying from those who do not understand it, how it can work or may even think it “wrong” or “detrimental” in some way. Some individuals may even express opposition as a projection of their own feelings of sadness, shame or guilt that they themselves did not have this awareness or perceived option when they went through separation and instead lived the “broken family” experience. This is where engaging aligned supports to keep you on track with your true desires and values can be important.
Rebuilding Financial Foundations with Care
In the traditional pathways through separation, the focus has always been about “who gets what” and ensuring you get what you are “entitled to” and “deserve” as soon as possible. This is actually a very normal and expected reaction in separation when one understands the inner workings of our hormones, nervous system and attachment system during this time (again, as explored in Avoiding Post Separation Conflict and further explored in respect of post separation financial matters in Financial Separation Made Easy). This approach positions individuals against each other, places them in a dynamic where they feel like they need to “win” over the other, and at best is a parallel approach that sees people left with a sense of having “settled” and with unacknowledged and unresolved needs and concerns.
But when it comes to the evolution of family law with the Collaborative Family Law Pathway, there is recognition that there is a better way that isn’t just about “who gets what.” It encourages co-creating financial arrangements that actually support the entire family unit, now and into the future. It can support families to avoid unnecessary financial losses and expenses through creative solutions. This means that the pathway through financial separation may be a little more prolonged and the final structures and agreements may be non-traditional and out of the box.
Sadly, again this new way is also often met with resistance by outsiders. Fears around risks, control and potential to manipulate or abuse may arise when exploring non-traditional financial arrangements that may see extended periods of financial entanglement. And to be fair, those fears can be completely valid and are even quite normal to consider - but when they are coming from a distorted understanding to the situation and/or old school thinking as mentioned above, then those fears may simply be projections that are entirely unhelpful.
It is also must be reiterated that this new collaborative pathway does not require or impose any obligation to agree to non-traditional, out of the box or extended financial structures and agreements post separation. Rather it merely provide the landscape for this to be a possibility. And what’s most important is that it provides an avenue for separating couples to consciously co-create the restructuring of your finances in a way that feels clear, collaborative, and genuinely supportive of their family’s long-term stability.
If you're feeling called toward a more conscious, collaborative and cooperative path — but unsure how to navigate the financial side of things or are struggling to drown out the noise of well-meaning others, it is important that you engage the right supports who are aligned with your values and in a position to guide you towards your desires and intentions for your family (as opposed to away from them with traditional pathways).
Choosing to follow your own compass — not the noise of the crowd — is one of the most powerful decisions you can make during separation. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Need Support?
If this piece has resonated with you and you are ready to work with me in securing your thriving post separation financial future, my next intake of Financial Separation Made Easy begins 9 July 2025 and includes FREE access to Avoiding Post Separation Conflict. This is your key to a conscious, low-cost, and collaborative financial separation — and a thriving post-separation life for you, your children, and your new family system.
If you are not sure what support you need or would like to work 1:1, book your FREE Next Steps Call today.
Because separation doesn’t have to mean destruction. It can be the beginning of something new and better for everyone.
