Infidelity, Divorce & Why Men and Women May Respond So Differently
FACT: As at 2025, we continue to have a no-fault divorce system in Australia.
What this means infidelity, on it’s own, has no direct impact on how property is divided or how parenting orders are made. That said, this is a nuanced matter and there are some circumstances where behaviours and actions connected to infidelity may have relevance in property and parenting matters post separation. This is why legal advice is always important.
That said, that is not the real point of this piece. Rather, this piece has been born out of a recent TikTok I came across where a former family lawyer who expressed a strong opinion: cheating should matter in family law, that cheaters are "irresponsible," "bad people," and "bad parents."
The comments section was flooded with people, mostly women, calling for punishment: automatic property deductions, harsher parenting orders, and other penalties.
Now, anyone who has followed me will know these are not perspectives I share. And yet, I do understand where they come from. Behind that outrage was a sea of unresolved pain and betrayal, projected outward from raw nervous system reactions. Deeply hurt individuals seeking punishment, revenge, and validation for their heartbreak.
This pain is very real and valid. Yet if we get really honest, the deeper truth is this: whenever one person leaves a marriage without a mutual decision, the other is often left with deep hurt and feelings of betrayal. The family is deconstructed, and children are negatively impacted. There is almost always heartbreak and pain no matter what initiated the decision to separate.
While it’s true that someone who has engaged in infidelity may not have been an ideal partner, in my experience, the act of cheating alone doesn’t define a person’s capacity to be a good parent, or even a good human. Many good people make very human mistakes and infidelity is rarely black and white. It often stems from deeper challenges such as disconnected relationships, fears around leaving, attachment wounds, trauma, stress, addiction, and sometimes from living within an abusive dynamic.
None of this is said to excuse betrayal, but understanding the why behind human behaviour is important if we are to bring a more conscious and collaborative lens to separation and heal in the face of very real pain.
What My Community Said…
Curious about those strong reactions on TikTok, I posed a similar question on my own social media:
Cheaters are bad people, bad parents, deserve less of the property and less time with children?
To my surprise, not a single person agreed. Most of the responses came from men, who offered a much more neutral or pragmatic stance. One man wrote:
“Honestly, if someone cheats on me, I’m not concerned about the property. Take what you want if it means you leave me alone in peace.”
This stark contrast to the TikTok responses got me wondering: are men less critical of women than women are of men when it comes to infidelity?
At first, I thought perhaps this was because men cheat more often. But research shows that men and women cheat at fairly similar rates today, with the gap narrowing, especially in younger generations. So, what’s really going on here?
Do Men and Women Really Experience Betrayal Differently?
When I really sat with this question, I began to theorise this might actually be the case….
For many women, infidelity is often experienced as a deep rupture of safety, trust, and family stability. It seems to trigger their nervous system’s survival wiring and can tear open any old abandonment wounds. When I thought about this, from a human survival perspective, this actually makes sense. Historically, women often depended on partners for survival and stability, not just for themselves, but for their children. Even today, women are more likely to have lower earning capacity post-separation and for some they may have little working history at all after spending a lifetime as a homemaker, so the threat experienced by the nervous system is incredibly deep and often based in reality. It may also be driven by the tendency of women to be more attuned to the need for emotional safety and relational trust.
Men, on the other hand, it seems, often respond with less moral outrage and more detachment. They may separate relationship failings from parenting capacity, and seem less focused on punishment or securing a larger financial outcome. Perhaps this is partly explained by men historically being providers, meaning their income doesn’t evaporate with the end of the relationship. It may also be based in the conditioning of men to be more stoic, less expressive of emotional pain and therefore their pain may be buried and replaced with a focus on practical outcomes than betrayal.
Of course these are just my theories. But regardless of what is the driver of this difference, the simple truth remains that women may be more prone to take betrayal more personally and more deeply, while men may be more likely to approach it with more detachment.
Now of course there are exceptions. I have worked with men who feel betrayal just as deeply and personally and definitely witnessed men also projecting betrayal wounds in the world of social media. But I find these differences fascinating because they shape not only how we experience heartbreak, but also how we may seek to address and navigate the impact of betrayal delicately in the space of separation, divorce, and parenting.
The Real Costs of Infidelity
All of this brings me back to two important truths:
There is a cost of infidelity. Even in a no-fault legal system, betrayal fuels resentment and mistrust, making the separation process more delicate to navigate. But conscious collaboration is still possible.
Unprocessed betrayal also comes at a cost. Reacting purely from pain often leads to skewed, punitive perspectives. This often escalates conflict, prolongs proceedings, increases costs, and may even harm children through emotional dumping or inappropriate disclosures.
And yet, I’ve also witnessed something powerful: families who choose differently.
Because while the pain of betrayal is real, it doesn’t have to poison the financial process, sabotage co-parenting, or define your future. Families can thrive in the face of infidelity and betrayal. There is always a choice:
For those who caused the hurt: the choice to show up with accountability, patience, and compassion, taking steps to restore trust and goodwill.
For those who were hurt: the choice to seek the right support, process pain in healthy ways, avoid projection and protect children from emotional spill-over.
Healing Beyond Betrayal
Taking steps towards healing betrayal even in the thick of separation is possible. I’ve seen this transformation in my professional work and in my own life and the simple truth is this: separation post betrayal doesn’t have to destroy you or your family. With the right support, you can rise above pain and create a thriving future.
This is the deeper work I guide people through in Cycle Breakers and 1:1 coaching. But the first foundational steps begin in my online programs: Avoiding Post Separation Conflict, Financial Separation Made Easy and Conscious Post Separation Parenting.
**Note: This is general information and perspective only at the time of writing 3/9/2025. It is not legal advice. It is important to speak with a lawyer if you wish to understand how your unique circumstances, including matters surrounding infidelity, may impact your post separation financial and parenting matters at the particular time of separation in your particular jurisdiction.
References: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/divorce/divorce-overview; https://ramsdenfamilylaw.com.au/does-infidelity-affect-divorce-settlement-in-australia/
