Bulldog Lawyer or Compassionate Counsel: Which is Best - and Do You Even Need a Lawyer at All?
When separation hits, fear and uncertainty often take over. Many people immediately rush to “lawyer up,” searching for someone who will go in hard and “fight for them”… the classic bulldog lawyer. But is that really what you need?
Or could a more compassionate, strategic, and conscious approach actually serve you—and your family—better?
I recently sat down with my former colleague and seasoned family lawyer Brent Clements to unpack this very question in one of my Holistic Tool Belt episodes. Together, we explored not only the most common (and costly) mistakes people make early in separation, but also what really matters when choosing legal support—and whether you even need a lawyer in the first place. And here’s the juice, straight out of the family lawyer’s (and former family lawyer’s) mouths!
THE MYTH OF THE BULLDOG LAWYER…..
The aggressive, win-at-all-costs lawyer is often portrayed as the hero in legal dramas—but in the real world of family law, this approach can:
Escalate conflict unnecessarily
Drive up legal fees (often into six figures on both sides)
Damage co-parenting relationships for years
Create long-term trauma for both parties and their children
Lead to outcomes that may appear like “wins” on paper, but leave emotional devastation in their wake
When a lawyer's strategy is driven by dominance rather than discernment, it can push the other party into defensiveness or retaliation, leaving you locked in a cycle of reactivity, fear, and mistrust. This not only prolongs legal proceedings—it exacerbates emotional wounds and creates ripple effects that can last a lifetime, especially for children caught in the middle.
While there are situations that require firm and urgent action, particularly when safety is at risk, most people benefit from a different kind of legal ally.
COMPASSIONATE COUNSEL: ADVOCACY WITHOUT AGRESSION
Brent’s approach to family law disputes sums it up beautifully:
“Assertive advocacy. Compassionate counsel.”
This doesn’t mean being soft or passive—it means standing strong in your truth without fuelling unnecessary fire. It’s about being heard and supported by someone who sees both the human and the legal dimensions of your situation. It means taking a trauma informed, conscious care, mindfully considered and collaborative approach.
Compassionate and collaborative counsel is especially powerful when:
You want to protect your long-term co-parenting relationship
You're trying to de-escalate, not inflame
You value mental health and emotional stability
You desire conscious communication that actually addresses underlying issues
You want practical, sustainable solutions over "winning" at all costs
SO? DO YOU EVEN NEED A LAWYER?
Here’s the truth: Not everyone needs a lawyer for ongoing representation. And not all legal support is created equal.
Most people don’t know there’s a difference between getting legal advice and engaging a lawyer to represent you long-term. In many cases, early legal advice is helpful, but ongoing representation is often not necessary and may even unnecessarily incite and prolong conflict - especially for simpler or more amicable matters.
Here are some key insights to consider:
There’s a difference between legal advice and legal representation. You can speak to a lawyer once or twice to understand your rights and obligations without needing to retain them. Or you may even opt to engage a lawyer to document and advise you on your agreement only - as Brent says, this is often the ideal outcome for separating couples if you can make this happen!
Choosing the right lawyer matters. Not all lawyers are the same - and unfortunately most are not yet trained in Collaborative Family Law (although advocates for this approach are rallying the systems to change this). If you value a conscious, cooperative path, your legal support should reflect that.
Before you engage a lawyer: take time to clarify your goals, desired pathway, and core values for your separation. This is essential to choosing someone who aligns with your intentions, not someone who derails them and secures you a front row ticket to the Family Court.
This kind of clarity is exactly what we explore inside my programs, including the upcoming Financial Separation Made Easy commencing 9 July 2025.
START WITH STRATEGY - JOIN FINANCIAL SEPARATION MADE EASY
If you're separating and unsure where to start—especially when it comes to finances—my upcoming program, Financial Separation Made Easy, is designed for you.
This 5-module, online group program is a practical, holistic roadmap to help you:
Understand the legal and emotional landscape of financial separation
Avoid costly mistakes that escalate conflict
Gather the right documents and financial information
Build a clear, empowered vision for your family’s future and strategies to bring it to life
Save significant costs by learning how to engage legal and professional support only when you truly need it
Clarify your goals, values, and ideal pathway and reach agreements before you engage representation
This is your key to a securing a low cost, collaborative and conscious pathway through your financial separation and to your families’ thriving future.👉 Learn more and join us here
FINAL THOUGHTS
Choosing legal support isn’t just about “winning.” It’s about protecting your wellbeing, your children’s future, and your financial peace.
The wrong lawyer can escalate conflict and trauma.
The right support can change everything.
If you're not sure where to begin, start with what you can control: your emotional regulation, your clarity, and your strategy. And if you need guidance, I’m here to walk that path with you as you take your first steps:
Watch the vlog with Brent: Avoid Adding Fuel to Fire in Separation: Why Early Steps and Choosing Compassionate Counsel and Supports Matter
Or book a free strategy call to explore your next steps
Because separation doesn’t have to be war…. It can be a turning point—for peace, healing, and a better future. Your THRIVING DIVORCE is possible!
