Neurodivergent or narcissistic: how mislabelling neurodiversity & trauma fuels conflict in separation & divorce

Separation and divorce are widely recognised as one of life’s top traumatic events. Even the most well-intentioned individuals can find themselves navigating emotionally charged experiences that trigger fear, mistrust, high-conflict and deepened resentment.

In today’s trauma-informed world, terms like gaslighting, coercive control, and emotional abuse are increasingly recognised in the family law system. And rightly so, naming these patterns is essential to protecting people from harm. But in certain cases—, especially within relationships shaped by neurodiversity or complex trauma, the lines between deliberate harm and emotional dysregulation can blur.

When neurodivergence (such as ADHD or autism) and/or complex PTSD are part of the picture, the challenges of separation are often significantly amplified. Pre-existing unhealthy communication/trauma loops, reactivity, and emotional misunderstandings increase. So too does the risk of misinterpreting behaviour, assigning personality disorders, or wrongly labelling one another as abusers.

In my work supporting individuals and families through separation, I often witness behaviours that appear, on the surface, as manipulation or control, but underneath, they are driven by nervous system dysregulation, unmet emotional safety needs, and neurobiological mismatches in communication and regulation.

Let me be clear: nothing in this piece is about excusing harmful behaviour or suggesting anyone remain in unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships. Neurodiversity and trauma are not an excuse for abusive behaviours. It is also important to understand that these differences in individuals exist on a spectrum of severity and capacity for self-responsibility, genuine repair, and action orientated steps to improve relational skills and conflict dynamics. If you are experiencing abuse, please seek professional support and prioritise your safety (call 1800RESPECT or Police on 000).

That said, the intention of this conversation is to distinguish between deliberate harm and accidental hurt, so we can reduce unnecessary conflict, preserve mental health, and focus on what truly matters in the post-separation landscape: compassionate, safe, balanced and fair outcomes that are child-centred and acknowledge the wellbeing of all involved.

Many of you know this topic of discussion isn’t just professional for me, it’s deeply personal. I grew up surrounded by neurodiversity and resonate with traits linked to mild autism and complex trauma. I have also often partnered with men who live with ADHD and I am now the co-parent to a beautiful, sensitive child whose unique needs and neurodiverse traits continue to teach me to bring compassion to differences. It is safe to say that I know first hand how neurobiological mismatches between individuals living with neurodiversity and/or complex trauma shape communication patterns and relationship dynamics .

My own experience navigating separation and in navigating decisions we don’t always agree on, reminds me just how easy it is, even with deep care and good intentions, to misinterpret behaviours and intentions. Despite our commitment to a cooperative Bi-Nuclear family dynamic, our nervous systems still speak different languages and like all human beings, this is exacerbated during times of conflict when our nervous systems get activated and dysregulation peaks. And in those moments of disconnection, it can be tempting to slip into misunderstanding, blame or even villanising each other.

But the greater truth is: there is no villain here. Just two people, doing their best to heal, understand, and resolve conflict—sometimes getting it wrong, repairing it when we do, and always trying.

My own experience has inspired me to explore this issue more deeply, because so many separating couples are facing similar challenges, and risk being misinterpreted in damaging ways. When, like my son’s father and I, their greater truth is a shared desire for healthier dynamics and positive outcomes for all.

When Neurodivergence or Trauma Looks Like Coercion or Emotional Abuse

Let’s be honest: when someone changes plans at the last minute, avoids financial conversations, or insists on formal documentation, it can feel controlling or evasive. When you add inconsistency, shutdowns, or defensiveness, it’s easy to wonder:

• Am I being gaslit?

• Is this emotional abuse?

• Are they trying to control me?

But beneath these behaviours, especially in neurodivergent or trauma-affected individuals, there’s often a very different story:

• A person with ADHD or trauma may avoid financial conversations not to deceive, but due to shame, overwhelm, or fear of being judged for their disorganisation.

• A person with Autism or C-PTSD might rely on heavily detailed or written communication, not to exert control, but because they need clarity and time to process safely.

• Someone with an anxious or fawning attachment style may say yes under pressure, then later withdraw, creating the illusion of manipulation when they were simply trying to survive the moment.

• Someone with an avoidant attachment style may shut down, disassociate and avoid, not because they are trying to control or hurt the other person, but because it is too overwhelming to confront the challenges.

The impact may feel like abuse, but the true intent often tells a different story.

It Can Look Like Gaslighting, But It’s Often Emotional Dysregulation

Gaslighting is the intentional denial of reality to gain power or control. But many people with ADHD, autism, or trauma histories struggle with working memory, time tracking, and recall under stress. When someone says:

• “That’s not how it happened,”

• “You’re being too sensitive,” or

• “I never said that,”

…it may feel like classic gaslighting. But in many cases, it's confusion or an overwhelmed brain trying to self-regulate, not a calculated effort to destabilise you. The effect is still harmful and there is no minimising that. But when we understand what’s happening beneath the surface, we create space for compassion, healing and a pathway to repair - not just hurt.

It’s Not Always Coercion—Sometimes, It’s Panic

In separation, emotional safety, financial security and physical wellbeing often feels under siege. Both members of a separating couple are often triggered into survival mode for extended periods with impaired cognitive functioning (learn more in my program Avoiding Post-Separation Conflict). Add neurobiological differences, and fear-based nervous system activations that take the wheel and what we may see is:

• A trauma-affected partner may use urgency, tears, or emotional appeals—not to manipulate, but to feel seen.

• A neurodivergent person may initiate legal steps quickly—not to dominate, but to regain a sense of emotional safety through control.

• One may freeze or go silent—not to punish, but because their nervous system has shut down completely.

Whilst these behaviours can negatively impact the receiving person, in these instances, they are signs that regulation is needed, not retaliation that will just fuel the unhealthy communication/trauma loops between you.

It’s Not About Excusing Harm—It’s About Reducing It

Let’s be clear: not all dysregulation is harmless. And not all conflict is just miscommunication. Some people—neurodivergent or not—do engage in harmful, repeated behaviors and harmful behaviour is still harmful, even if it’s not intentional. You don’t need to understand someone’s neurobiology to know when something feels unsafe or destabilising. Trust your instincts. And if you’re unsure, seek trauma-informed support and it is important to remember that safety always comes first (1800RESPECT/Police).

That said the intention here is to bring awareness, as with awareness there may be capacity to reduce harmful behaviours and improve communication dynamics. By understanding how trauma and neurodivergence can influence communication and behaviours and may at times distort our interpretations in damaging ways, we can intervene more compassionately and in a manner that is actually conducive to avoiding escalating conflict or weaponising misunderstanding. With awareness and understanding we can bring a wise, conscious and holistic lens to the challenges and:

• identify the tools and supports that will allow us to interrupt and intervene the unhealthy communication/trauma loops; and

• implement practical processes that support individuals to navigate their differences and mismatched communication styles and needs for generating emotional safety; and

• learn to communicate in a manner that is not just generative of avoiding communication/trauma loops to begin with, but also healthy repair in the inevitable circumstances that breakdowns in communication and conflict occur in future.

The Bottom Line

What looks like manipulation may be executive dysfunction.
What feels like gaslighting may be memory loss or panic.
What seems like coercion may be a bid for emotional safety.

Not all conflict is abuse.
Not all missteps are betrayal.
And not all chaos means you're failing.

With education, self-awareness, and the right support, it’s possible to move through separation consciously and collaboratively—with clarity, dignity, and far less harm.

How a Conscious and Collaborative Approach Can Help

If you and/or your ex-partner live with neurodiversity or trauma history, the traditional adversarial model of separation may well serve inflame things further. But there is another way—one that prioritises emotional regulation, mutual respect, and child-centred outcomes by taken an alternative pathway to your separation - A Conscious Uncoupling and/or Collaborative Family Law pathway.

Here are some practical steps to begin this approach:

1. Understand the Wiring Behind the Behaviour - Ask yourself:

• Is this behaviour about power, or regulation?

• Is it manipulation, or overwhelm?

  This lens doesn’t excuse poor behaviour—it provides a way to de-escalate and reconnect.

2. Structure Communication for Regulation - Use tools to reduce in-the-moment reactivity:

• Pause and regulate before responding (breathe, move, journal)

• Set boundaries gently: “This is important to me. I’ll respond within 48 hours.”

3. Translate Intentions - Instead of assuming malice, get curious:

• “Can you help me understand what’s behind that request?”

• “When I don’t hear from you, I feel anxious. Can we agree on a communication rhythm that feels safe for both of us?”

4. Depersonalise, Forgive, and Repair - Many with trauma or neurodiversity deeply personalise others' behaviours. This can lead to villainising, which fuels resentment and conflict. Learning to depersonalise, forgive, and repair is key. This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse—but recognising when reactions are trauma loops, not true threats. And when repair isn’t possible, getting the right support matters.

5. Work With Informed Professionals - Seek out mediators, lawyers, or coaches who understand neurobiology and trauma. Legal advice is important—but so is support that helps you interpret patterns, reduce missteps, and keep conflict out of court wherever possible.

Next Steps

If this resonates with your experience, and you're seeking a trauma and neurodiversity aware path through separation, the first step is building your support networks. Here are a few ways I can support you, wherever you're at on your journey:

💡 Not sure where to start? Begin with the foundational program: Avoiding Post-Separation Conflict — a short course that helps you gain deeper understanding, reduce reactivity, and create healthier communication from day one.

📚 Need clarity and confidence in practical matters: Financial Separation Made Easy and Conscious Post-Separation Parenting will help you reduce overwhelm and get agreements on paper, with more confidence and less conflict and confusion.

🔁 Struggling with repeated emotional cycles or conflict patterns: Cycle Breakers is my deeper program for those ready to interrupt trauma loops, shift communication habits, and create relational repair — with your co-parent, yourself and your children.

🤝 Ready for a more peaceful legal process: Explore Collaborative Family Law and Conscious Uncoupling — pathways designed to keep you out of court and centered in calm, child-focused, conscious resolution.

🗣 Prefer personalised support: Book a complimentary 30-minute chat and let’s talk about what you need and what’s possible.

Join me today and secure the pathway to your and your family’s thriving future!