Why you Ex Made you the "Bad Guy": Understanding Blame After Relationship Breakdown
Something that most would have experienced at some point in their life, is the feeling of being projected with more responsibility for a breakdown than is reflective of what is truly theirs to own.
This is actually quite common and a very human reaction post breakdown.
It is reflective of one's nervous system seeking to protect them in a number of ways, including:
Protection from feeling the depths of heartache, grief and attachment withdrawal.
Protection from being pulled back into the relationship that your nervous system is now deeming unsafe.
Protection from owning our own part in the breakdown and the impact and hurt imparted on the other arising from our part.
When we make someone else bad or wrong in a breakdown, we are able to rationalise that the breakdown was for the better, we were the victim, and we are in the right!
Holding this belief serves as a mask of protection from the pain that comes with having to experience grief, the pull and accountability.
Not just accountability in the sense of perhaps I could have done this better, but accountability in the sense of facing our own deepest fears and wounds that played a part in the breakdown.
Making your Ex the "Bad Guy" is just one of a number of ways our nervous system creates a distorted reframing of a relationship post breakdown.
And I get it. Sometimes it is doing a very wise job of protecting you, particularly if the relationship was truly unhealthy or abusive.
But more often, both people play a significant role in the dynamics that led to the breakdown of a relationship with a person they once deeply loved. And it is not easy to sit in the pain, to feel and contain the pull, or to look so deeply in the mirror that it starts to crack.
Yet this is the deeper calling of all breakdowns if we truly wish to evolve and have happy, healthy love and relationships in the future.
And should we wish to minimise the harm we impart on those we love through unconscious wounded expression.
This is the work of Conscious Uncoupling. It is transformative. It is cycle breaking. It is a style of relating you LIVE, because there is always another layer, always a new wound, and always another relationship to uncouple from.
If you are feeling pulled to upgrade your relationships post separation and turn your pain into gold, reach out and ask about Cycle Breakers - Our Conscious and Collaborative Uncoupling Mastery Program.
