GASLIGHTING IS ALWAYS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL OVER ANOTHER, OR IS IT?

In the landscape of modern relationships and in particular through the course of separation and divorce, “gaslighting” has become a well-known term. It describes the act of denying or distorting another person’s reality and is often considered as an act of abuse that is designed gain power or control over another through psychological manipulation.

And it is true that gaslighting behaviour can be part of a pattern of abuse and “coercive control” and in such instances it is indeed important individuals seek professional support. Here’s a list of some services if you are in such a situation.

But it is also true that not every moment that feels like gaslighting is rooted in abuse, coercive control or manipulation. It is often the case that behaviours that resemble gaslighting are not about power at all, but rather about self-protection—often unconscious, often shaped by trauma, learned survival adaptations, shame, addiction, or mental illness. It is also my strong belief that it would be near impossible to find a single human being on this planet who has not at some point in their life, engage in gaslighting type behaviour.

It is my lived and professional experience, that inappropriately labelling behaviours as abusive can have some significant negative outcomes. When we view all distortions of our reality through the lens of “abuser vs. victim,” we risk oversimplifying very complex dynamics. And worse, we may unintentionally re-traumatise ourselves, interpret dysregulated behaviour as calculated harm, and make decisions that create more damage, conflict, or disconnection than needed. The practical negative implications of this as you navigate separation and divorce also cannot be ignored… it may lead to unnecessary legal action at great cost. The cost of which is not just in $100,000s in legal fees, but to trauma and lifelong negative outcomes for health, wellbeing, and future co-parenting dynamics where children are involved.

This is why a holistic perspective is so important—one that honours lived experience and personal boundaries, but also acknowledges what may be happening beneath the surface of relational behaviours.

Let’s explore three common patterns in romantic relationships where gaslighting-like behaviours may arise, but where the intent is not to control, and the solution is rooted in deeper understanding, not blame, shame or abuser vs victim.

1. Cognitive Dissonance

When someone’s actions conflict with their self-image—such as believing they’re a kind and caring partner, but knowing they said or did something harmful, they may experience cognitive dissonance. This mental discomfort can be so intense that the person unconsciously rewrites the story to reduce their internal conflict.

This might look like:

• Minimising or denying the impact of something that was said or done

• Accusing the other of overreacting or misinterpreting

• Becoming defensive rather than reflective

• Denying events occurred at all

It’s genuine cases of cognitive dissonance, the behaviour is unconsciously designed as a self-protective response to identity collapse and/or big feelings of self-blame and shame. The nervous system interprets truth as life threatening and/or too big for the individuals capacity to handle and so the individual unconsciously seeks to achieve saftey by distancing from it.

If we experience this as deliberate gaslighting without recognising the role of dissonance and shame, we may react with harsh judgment or equal nervous system reactivity that escalates the situation unnecessarily.

2. Fear of Consequences

Sometimes, when someone is confronted with the impact of their behaviour, their fear of the consequences both emotionally and practically can trigger defensiveness, denial, or distortion (that may be conscious or not). The feared consequences may include:

• Feeling exposed, ashamed, or unworthy of love

• Being rejected, judged or criticised

• Risk of relationship breakdown, separation, or divorce

• Loss of access to children, finances, or housing

• Legal or social repercussions

In these moments, minimising, deflecting or distorting, even if conscious, may be less about power and control of another person and more about seeking control over one’s circumstances again in order to achieve emotional, physical and/or nervous system safety.

This one here is an incredibly common gaslighting behaviour learned in childhood. Children will often engage in such when seeking to avoid “getting in trouble” or consequences of behaviours. And sadly, we are living in a world where many adults missed crucial developmental milestones that mean they never outgrew this survival adaptation.

Without this understanding, it’s easy to label such adults as abusive, and then act in ways that may inflame conflict or close off potential for compassionate repair within a Collaborative Family Law approach to separation.

3. Mental Health and Addiction

For those living with untreated mental illness, active addiction, or trauma-related dissociation, there may be genuine incapacity to engage with reality in a consistent or coherent way. This can manifest as:

• Forgetting events entirely (e.g., blackouts, dissociation, memory fragmentation)

• Perceiving reality through a distorted lens (e.g., during a manic or depressive episode)

• Shifting stories or perspectives due to psychological instability

Statements like “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re making things up,” can feel deeply destabilising to the partner on the receiving end. But in some cases, these aren’t lies, they’re signs of someone losing contact with grounded reality.

Why a Holistic View Matters

Often adults who are engaging in gaslighting like behaviours are both unaware that they are engaging in such behaviours and unaware of the survival mechanisms driving the behaviour. The behaviour often runs in the realms of the subconscious without any malicious intent to harm another. And even where a person may be deliberately deceptive or distorting events, it is often driven by these subconscious survival mechanisms and not intention to hold power over, control or manipulate another.

All that said, I wish to be very clear that none of this is said to minimise the truth that such behaviours are unhealthy and can indeed be incredibly hurtful and harmful. And it certainly doesn’t mean that any person ought to staying in toxic or unsafe partnerships. But what it does do is create an invitation for individuals to differentiate between impaired capacity to face reality and intention to control when making decisions about boundaries, responses, or long-term choices in the post-separation landscape.

When we don’t bring a holistic perspective to these behaviours in the post-separation landscape, we risk:

• Misinterpreting distress as abuse, which can retraumatise us and keep us in a disempowered state with impaired cognitive functioning

• Making big life decisions from an triggered or fearful state, rather than from wise holistic perspective and functioning

• Unnecessarily Escalating conflict that could have been softened with compassion and skill

• Damaging post-separation relationships that may have had the capacity to heal and transform

• Life long negative outcomes for ourselves, our former spouse and a children that were avoidable

A trauma-informed, emotionally intelligent lens in the post-separation landscape allows us to name harm without pathologising, and set boundaries without demonising. It reminds us that people are often operating from the limits of their nervous system, their wounds, or their conditioning, not because they are inherently manipulative or bad people.

This doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour, avoiding accountability, or staying in unsafe relationships. It means choosing responses that are wise rather than reactive.

Of course discerning the true drivers behind behaviours isn’t easy at the best of times, let alone during the post-separation landscape when we are pre-disposed to view our ex-spouse/partner as more threatening. The good news is that I can support you with this and the first step is to engage my programs Avoiding Post Separation Conflict, Financial Separation Made Easy and Conscious Post Separation Parenting OR jump on a free 30 minute discovery call with me today!